Wednesday, October 30, 2013

truths

It's time to be honest so here are some truths that I am wrestling with today in this season of my life.

 It is true that when I go in public with 3 children that I feel like I might have a mini heart attack.  Even when they are absolutely well behaved, the baby is sleeping, everyone holds hands to cross the parking lot- I still have a tightness in my chest that won't go.  I want to be totally calm because really even if they are all being crazy people get the math of 1 adult, 3 children and would understand if everyone isn't perfectly obedient.  I want to be calm but no matter what I haven't figured out how to go out in public with 3 children and feel calm. 
Instead here is the truth:
I sweat.
My heart races.
I might not be able to breath.
I grit my teeth.
I give mean looks to my children communicating "DO WHAT I SAY OR ELSE!"
But deep down, I want to be totally calm.
It is true that I am a lifetime weight watchers member meaning I have met and maintained my weight before and get to go for free to meetings/weigh in if I am at my goal weight.  It is also true that they have a program for nursing mothers.  It is also true that I have been going for nearly 8 weeks and guess what..... I have gained and lost, gained and lost staying within 1 1/2 lbs of my start weight.  Seriously!  While nursing I can't lose weight.... and it is totally true that this makes me really really mad!
 So here is the truth:
I haven't lost a single pound since 2 weeks post partum.
I am really envious of people who have babies and look totally awesome.
I really want to not care and know it's just a season.... but I care... and want to lose this weight!

It is true that I absolutely love nursing.... I really do.... when I have no other children, a quiet peaceful nursing space, and have no where to go and be.  But guess what friends, that isn't my life!  It is true that while nursing my rambunctious Tula likes to be wild OR in my business.  It is true that she has had many successful attempts of flinging up the nursing cover only to expose it all to innocent passing strangers.  Poor people!  It is also true that I can't stand pumping and just the thought of going back to work with this black suitcase makes me want to crumble.  Ick! It is also true that even though I 100% believe and know that formula fed babies are healthy and very much loved by their mommy's I feel guilty when I am devising a plan to wean in the back of my mind.  And I feel guilty when I nurse and my family is late getting somewhere because of my poor planning or when I can't really parent Tula while nursing baby Joss.  Why does mommy guilt like to attack everyone!?!? 
So here is the truth:
I want to be done nursing.
I don't want to be done nursing.
I feel guilty about both.
So I really can't make up my mind.


These faces make the anxiety, chubbiness, and breastfeeding-multitasking all worth it but shoooo, no one said it was easy and it definitely isn't.

There you have it.... my mommy truths for the day.

2 comments:

  1. Oh Sarah I was there with you 17 months ago. Madelyn is so busy with after school stuff (that I love) but Ryan wanted to nurse frequently, held all the time and ate for long periods of time. After a few days at home even with Madelyn at school I felt like I couldn't keep up with life and that stressed me out. Once after I nursed I gave him a small formula bottle and he ate it and then slept I was beside myself. Everyone had an opinion and advice for me...that was the tough part. The lactation consultants were pushy and made me feel bad even considering formula. For my daughter, my sanity and my family I started formula after 3 weeks. You are a great mother and the only advice I give you is the best mother is a happy mother and a happy baby is a loved baby! You have a great family to support you in every decision :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sarah, I know it all too well! It is so hard to parent one child while your nurse the other and I couldn't imagine having 2 others to parent. As for the nursing, I totally get it. That stupid mommy guilt. I'll be praying for you! know you are NOT alone! Have you thought about doing both breast milk and formula? I'm sure you have, but it would totally be a great choice and that way you could ditch the dreaded black bag. Praying for you as you wade through all of this!

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for your encouragement as I travel through this season of life called mommyhood!