Tuesday, January 31, 2012

stretched

I want to enjoy the little moments.
I want to have balance to be able to really enjoy the little moments.
And being totally honest, totally raw.... lately I feel stretched.

Playing outside one pretty evening.... and soaking it ALL up!

Some days I have felt that "tight in my chest, really can't breathe" kind of stretched and it is hard. Being a working mommy is difficult and as much as I wake up, attempt to put on my rose colored glasses, and choose joy- it isn't every day that this routine is successful. There are days that I go to work dragging with a heart that feels like it must be breaking as I leave it with my family at home. There are days when I have to stay home a little longer to eat breakfast with my girls and cuddle an extra minute just so that I can make it for the next 8 hours. Then some mornings I think I have it figured out and I walk into work only to find defeat waiting at my classroom door. It has been one of those months.

A spontaneous birthday breakfast celebration.... on a Monday!

So I can mope around, and be sad- but friends, I tried that for the ENTIRE first year of Ivy's life and it proved to be a total FAIL! I was sad at home because I had to go to work the next day, I was sad at work because I had left Ivy at home, and every weekend I spent dreading Sunday night and every work week I spent longing for Friday afternoon. So it was a lot of time wasted away being anything but happy. And while I wish I could say I was enjoying the little moments, I wasn't doing that at all.

So now, my life situation has not changed. My work schedule cannot change. And on most days, I love my job. I take that back, everyday I love teaching and most days I do so without defeat. But there are a lot of other things about working that cause distraction and disruption in my time at home, my summer's off, and add that to the ever accessible internet and I am stretched too thin.

It is these little moments but BIG memories that I long for more of.

So I am going to do something different. I am going to guard my time like it is a prized possession- which it is. I am not engaging in time wasters since my time for family feels like it has been robbed from me when I put my babies to bed at the end of a "too quick, too busy" day. I am working to prioritize things at school so that I can get home and feel good about the condition of my plans and my classroom- but know that there is always going to be more that I can do, no matter how long I stay the list will keep growing. And last, I am putting on my armor and shouting it from the roof tops "I am MOMMY first." My children are little once and there will be time for extras, but for now, I am learning to say no. No, I won't be able to make it to that event that I am just feeling obligated to attend. No, I won't be able to take on the extra work responsibility. No, I won't be able to cook for this or join you for that. I want to be polite, I want to have tact, and I want to quit having to stretch my way through life.

This is what I am fighting for....

Goodbye January, you have been a tough one for me.
Hoping for more balance and a lot more time to enjoy the little moments with my family.

5 comments:

  1. january has been hard for me too - i can't imagine how hard it's going to be once husbands (well, hopefully only one husband) and kids (hopefully plural) come into the mix. it's nice to hear others struggle finding the right work/life balance as well - it's not just me! it is also great that you recognize how precious this time is. you are SUCH a great mommy! tula and ivy are very lucky, loved little girls :)

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  2. Oh how we need a snow day! You're a wonderful momma and wife (and daughter). I think your feelings are normal--good for you for recognizing the need for balance. Praying for you!

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  3. Well said. I have those same feelings on a very regular basis. I need to learn to say no more and to quit trying to be supermom. I can't be all things to all people and I need to quit trying. Good luck on your quest to just be Mommy!

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  4. Oh my! I have been dealing with very similar issues. I have been completely overwhelmed and felt super stretched. I honestly think a lot of it has to do with actually having to work the whole month of January (no snow days), but still, I totally get the whole idea of finding a balance. There are days I come home so totally exhausted that spending those precious moments with the kids is a struggle and I very much dislike that. Being a working mommy is a difficult thing, and I'm grateful that God thinks I can do it even when I feel defeated. It's hard giving your all in both your personal life and professional life when you ALWAYS want to give your best. I'll be praying for you and although I don't like you dealing with this, I find it comforting knowing I'm not the only one who feels this way.

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  5. I love you, and I think you are one of the many super women out there :)

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Thanks for your encouragement as I travel through this season of life called mommyhood!