Thursday, October 4, 2012

ivy's fieldtrip and a little therpy sesh....

Ivy's first kindergarten field trip- Evan's Orchard!
 Ivy had her first field trip.... I like to say first "kindergarten" because it makes me feel better that she actually took her first field trip ever with my class- meaning I was there.  (I am sure you have a hint about the therapy session that will begin shortly....) Ivy had an excellent time and I was so thankful that her Daddy got to share this special day with her.
The weather was ugly but those kindergartners were happy to be at the pumpkin patch.  God was watching over this little group because even though the rain surrounded the area, not a single drop fell on their little pumpkin picking heads!
Daddy got to meet lots of Ivy's kindergarten friends that we hear so much about but have never actually met.  Ivy had a great first KINDERGARTEN field trip and I was thankful that Daddy got to have a sneak peek into her school life!
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I love these people..... like so much that it hurts my heart sometimes.

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I haven't blogged much since school started.  I am not sure if I am just super busy or if I am trying to guard my heart a little.  I am pretty sure it is the latter since I have always made time to keep up with this family scrapbook.  But this is my outlet and these blog posts do serve as a record of my mommy heart to be shared with my girls someday.  So I will share and stop hiding- blogging is like therapy, but it's free and I can do it in the privacy of my own home.

A little background....
I started teaching.
I loved teaching.
I got pregnant.
But I was committed to teaching.
Then Ivy was born.
I was so sad.
I was so so so so sad to leave her every SINGLE day.
I was going to stay home.
I went ahead of God and began planning my life and decided I was staying at home as soon as Greg got out of school. Maybe you remember when I announced my plans to the world or maybe you remember when I learned a very hard lesson less than a month later. This was a difficult, sad time for me.  I had to realize that Greg and I were adults and we had to take care of our family.  I had to accept the fact that even as I sobbed at my parent's kitchen table they could not fix this for me.  I had to choose joy, for the students I would teach and for my family at home.

That is what I did.... proudly.  I did my very best at work and I shared amazing experiences with students and families and co-workers.  I enjoyed my time at home, thankful for afternoons, weekends, and cherishing every snow day off or long summer vacation.  And I achieved balance in my life.... I can only give God credit for that because I couldn't do it on my own.  I felt like being a working mom was about having a positive, "I can do it" mindset, day in and day out.  I continued this through my pregnancy with Tula and even survived going back to work with just a few tears*

Then this year came.
Ivy is in kindergarten so it is supposed to be a little bit easier.  I had convinced myself that being a working mom for these years, the little years would be hard but then it would ease up.  But I wasn't prepared for the way my heart hurts and aches this year.  (And maybe, hopefully this will all change when she is at my school next year.... but right now it stinks!)

I am feeling that same dread that I felt about possibly missing a first giggle or a first step.  But instead I am missing out on being a part of my girl's school day.  School- what I am so deeply passionate about- but I don't get to be there.  I am missing out on volunteering and reading aloud to her class.  I am missing out on spontaneous lunch room appearances or being the mom that can help Mrs. Hoffner with the little tasks like cutting and laminating.  I am missing out on field trips and seeing her friendships blossom.  I hate it. I want to be one of those moms that have meant so much in my own classroom.  And I can't.

I don't want this to hurt, I have tried to talk myself out of it, and am currently remembering that my sovereign Lord knows what I am supposed to be doing.  I am in constant conversation with Him. I thank Him for a renewed spirit each school year and for the gift of teaching.  I thank him for a job like teaching where the benefits for mamas are so, so good.  I thank him for my co-workers who are some of my very best friends. But my prayers to him haven't stopped over the last 4 years- I still ask that if our situation ever changes or if a better opportunity for our family comes up that it will smack us in the face.  I ask that if we could be better stewards of our finances or better health insurance becomes available that we will be able to put every penny in the perfect place so that I would have the opportunity to be Mama in these early years. But at this moment the only prayer that has been answered is one that says, "I have called you to teach, Sarah.  And you can Mama and teach at the same time.  That makes you the teacher that you are.  Use this gift and do it joyfully."

I am working through this and I know it will be okay but it isn't easy.  I am already looking forward to next year.  I plan use some of my planning time to be a part of Ivy's classroom weekly.  I hope our lunch schedules might overlap a little and I can see that in the future (like when she is in 2nd grade)! And I know I will really know her teacher and they will never ask for my driver's licence when I pick her up.  This has been one of those times that hurt because I wasn't expecting it.... kind of like when Ivy was born.  I hope that next time I have a kindergartner I will have these emotions all figured out!

5 comments:

  1. Thanks for being so open & honest. Good to see other mommas who deep down have the same battles...too bad you are telling me it doesnt get any better after the first babe LOL!

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  2. Powerful, moving vulnerability. Fact is, you're just too good for all of your love to be packed in one home. Your students need it too. I am so, so proud of you as both a teacher and a mama...and Auntie!

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  3. I appreciate your honesty so much. I hope that God gives you a peace about this, just as he did after you had to go back after Ivy. Praying for you girl! :)

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  4. I hate that you have to struggle through this and pray hard you can find peace, comfort, and even enjoyment out of the plan God has for you at this point. You are such a good mommy

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  5. I love you! You are gifted in so many areas. You are an awesome momma and teacher-- and daughter, wife, auntie, friend.....

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Thanks for your encouragement as I travel through this season of life called mommyhood!