Wednesday, July 25, 2012

troubled heart.... no more

Like mother, like daughter...

 Ivy deals with fear and so do I. My fear is different, more of a fear of being troubled at heart (overwhelmed, worried, stressed, etc) instead of a fear of things that are scary. I know it is only July but my feelings about school starting soon and leaving Tula are starting to creep in.  I know you are all gasping- what about Ivy?- but just today another Mama/Teacher and I were talking about the difference.  I will miss Ivy, most definitely.  But I know what is waiting for Ivy when school starts back up!  The adventure of kindergarten will begin.... just like last year when the adventure of preschool was our anticipation all summer! Friendships are around the corner ready to blossom.  Learning will happen at a rapid rate.  Excitement will show in her eyes and out of her mouth the second I see her in the afternoon.  Stories will be shared, conversations will be had, and really I know being with her from August to May day in an day out is not an option.

But then there is Tula.

Little "Tuwa" is still so small.  So impressionable. So ready to soak up everything going on around her. This summer we have had adventures of trying new foods, exploring new places, and wow has the language doubled, maybe even tripled each week! School can't start yet, because our time can't be coming to an end.


It will rock her world to wake up early and to have to call for anyone other than Mama when she has needs throughout the day.  But I have to have faith that by the end of week one, we will be in a new routine.  Tula will be excited to go to "school" and be just excited to wrap her tiny hands around my leg when I show up to get her.


It just doesn't get easier to let someone else lead my child for the majority of her day.  I want to lead, but I know where I need to be and what I have to do and so I will lead my sweet baby by example just as I have done year after year for Ivy. I lead by example to trust in God and His obvious plan for my life.  He has been faithful to carry me from August to May while I answer to the name "Mrs. Smorstad" instead of "Mama."
 

He will be faithful to prepare my heart by August 15th for the students and families that await me.
He will be faithful to prepare my classroom.... even if I have not yet started... for our Welcome Night on August 13th.   He will be faithful to prepare a space for Tula at Wilmore Daycare and a heart that will be excited to love her. He will be faithful to prepare little friends that she will be able to tell me in the afternoons.

He will be faithful and I will have faith that it is all going to be okay.


I enjoy every day, every minute (even the hard ones) of my summer.  What a gift it is to have the time to answer to only "Mama!" But year after year, going back to work isn't any easier, especially to leave a little one so ready to follow my lead.  But I have to focus on a God so big who has called me to be more than a Mom.  He is my focus and His promises are the song of my heart right now.  And He has been clear this week, it is not time to go back to work, not yet- so enjoy the now and stop worrying about tomorrow. So for now I will let go of my troubled heart and let him lead me and my little ladies for the rest of my summer days, and the rest of my life :)

"Do not let your heart be troubled, trust in the Lord"
John 14:1


4 comments:

  1. It is such a blessing to read your thoughts! You word things so eloquently and honestly. Thank you for struggling through this stage. It is so good to know that when my "Mrs. White" days return that there is someone to teach me how to once again teach and mommy all at the same time.

    Michelle White

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  2. Whew, this made me cry! My feelings exactly about leaving Hattie Jayne! It's so much easier when you get to take your big kids to school with you, and I know I'm blessed to be able to do that. But our summer with our little girls has been too fun...I'm so glad we got to spend lots of that time together with our little "NO" girls! :)

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  3. I love this! You are such a great momma, and teacher... and daughter. I am so very proud of you. You touch many lives in a very special way, including mine! Love you!

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  4. You are one awesome mama! Even though I'm not going back this year, I feel your stress and I understand. I will be praying for you in the coming weeks. Ivy and Tula are so lucky to have such a great mama that is also a great teachers! :)

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Thanks for your encouragement as I travel through this season of life called mommyhood!